Marinate

I think it's an age thing. I don't recall having this specific problem a few years or decades ago. But, for the last couple years I've by been waking up in the middle of the night (and for the last four months almost exactly at 02:07), feeling anxious. Not "I had a heart attack 5 months ago and haven't been taking my medicine, have been eating only red meat and my pulse rate is up", but "I haven't been to the dentist in eight months and I swear a cavity is growing in-between ALL of my teeth. Also, I'm a bad girlfriend, bad daughter, bad pet parent, and haven't written my Christmas and Birthday thank you notes yet. I WAS RAISED BETTER!". And while I realize that that particular analogy says quite a lot about me, anxiety is anxiety and it's growing old.

All I know is that I'm running out of DVR'd House Hunters International to entertain me at 0300.

I've lived in San Diego nearly as long as I lived in San Francisco. What's interesting (to me, at least), is that those four years in SF seemed to encompass more change and development than my four years in SD. I moved to SF with two suitcases, some ambien and my best friend. That's all I needed and all I cared about. Now, I have two dogs, a cat and a fish, as well as an insane amount of books and framed pictures all of which are horribly important to me but also seem to weigh me down. I miss being more portable, more compact. I guess that's part of growing up; the inability to leave without a second thought. And, honestly, I miss that. I miss being able to make a whimsical decision and no one being able to say a whole lot about it (parental units excluded. They ALWAYS having something to say). But, I look back on my years in SF, and while trying and definitely not always perfect (or even close), I remember loving the opportunity. To do anything. To see a band I wouldn't otherwise. To see a Monster Truck Rally. Visit a cheese shop in Marin. Ride shopping carts around Pacific Heights. Walk up to the cathedral at midnight to drink on the steps just because I can. To LIVE. And, I'm sure it's more me than my city, but I don't have that anymore. I miss doing something just to do it; and that has been a large aspect of my personality for a very long time. Maybe I just need a new partner in crime, I dunno. Maybe it's me -- entirely possible. All I know is that I need to have more "me" back in my life. Easier said than done, oddly enough.